Left Out in the Rain
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ashby's LiveJournal:
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| Thursday, July 10th, 2008 | | 8:13 pm |
| | 7:34 pm |
Poppies and Shingles
At summer school today one of my six year olds said, utterly out of the blue (as usual), "I'm really skinny." I responded "um, huh?" He said, "yesterday I ate a penny." "You ate a penny?" "I like penguins." That's why I like children. All those things were completey important to him at the time, and he wanted to share them, and so he did. He's really skinny, and ate a penny and likes penguins. Well, there you go. After school Jesse and I picked up Eliza (nine months old last week, dear lord) and after a thorough slathering of sunscreen and a tussle over whether or not she would wear her hat (she put up a fight but we won - better fine motor skills) we set off for a walk down to the farmer's market. It was one of those hot summer days when your limbs feel nine imes heavier and your hair defies gravity. As we pushed through throngs of elderly tourists - "Oh look, a stuffed lobster holding a golf club, how precious!" - Jesse shifted Eliza from arm to arm muttering " Premie my butt, you're a little beast," and she flapped her arms and legs and chewed on the straps of her hat. I drank limeade and tried to stay in the shade. When we got to the market, our flower lady beckoned us over to chat about our wedding flowers a bit. Eliza, like any self respecting nine month old, put herself on adorable display, waving her popeye arms and grinning at everyone who walked by, and innocently kicking Jesse in the groin every few seconds, and we left with an armful of poppies, a jar of dilly beans and a paper sack filled with kale and rainbow chard. Then I went to the doctor and found out I have shingles. Rock on. | | Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 | | 9:25 am |
Sitting naked at my kitchen table right now, as usual. I wake up, stumble to the bathroom, wipe sleep chunks out of my eyes, shuffle to the table and plop my bare ass down to check my email. I adore summer. | | Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 | | 9:14 am |
Listing
Lately I've been listing. Both meanings of the word - scrawling detailed, frantic stacks of words on paper in an effort to not forget one of the bazillion things I have to get done. And slowly tipping over. Life is nuts, isn't it? I'm trying really hard to learn to be a grown-up, at least a little bit. I'm trying really hard to practice being content to stay put for a little while. To physically stay put, yes (I haven't left the country since January 2007!) but also to stay put in (or between) a life stage. I'm movement-oriented, I know this, and I feel most alive and content when I'm headed somewhere. And I know right now I could definitely say I'm headed somewhere (hello, wedding in 88 days). But I also feel like I'm sort of.....simmering here. Talked about this with Jess last night a little bit. We both kind of feel like we're stuck between two really distinct life stages - being crazy single kids, and being married with babies. We don't really fit with anyone. It's interesting. Hung out with the ladies this weekend (kerrybrown and gina and erin and beckywood) and it was gorgeous. So necessary and ridiculously giggly and wildly inappropriate and life-sustaining. One of the memories I will take to the grave with me is staring in the window of movie gallery with the girls while kerrybrown calmly rents porn. Oh life. A List: Marigolds Tomato Plants Built-in shelves Tire Swings 6 Month Old Babies Tiny Socks Tie-Dye Bad porn Red wine Lupins Organic gardening supplies Dirty fingernails Rainbow Chard Windows Dancing in the living room Exploring Dog hair Websites Last days First days Pottery Eye makeup Fingerpaints Creative liscence Tiny spoons Ireland New music Tears Local cheese High Tide Curly Willow | | Saturday, June 21st, 2008 | | 8:33 am |
Dog Sleep
I love the way Ginger sleeps. She doesn't curl up into a little sleep nugget like most dogs, or stretch out like others. She spoons. Ginger's the only dog I've ever met who truly understand the mechanic of a good spoon, and seems to require it as much as we do. Overnight guests will attest to this - they'll fall asleep on the couch and wake up with a 90lb dog stretched the length of their body, her head shoving their arm into the appropriate hugging position, then sighing and settling in. It speaks volumes to her personality - Ginger is happiest when we're happiest, she's calm when we're calm, she's frantic when we're stressed out, she sleeps when we do, won't eat until we've already started. Sometimes I think Ginger understands love a whole lot better than any person I've ever met, which I know sounds cliche, but if you'd met her you'd understand. When I'm upset she crawls up next to me on the couch and silently sits with her head on my shoulder. When Jesse's upset, she sits 3 inches from him quietly staring straight ahead, not touching him but not moving, either. There's something to be said for simple understanding, for making up in intuition what you lack in language. Or maybe not letting language interfere with what you really know and have to say. When Jesse and I were first together, before we said I love you, we were so intensely honest about how we felt about each other. Long after I knew I loved him, after I had begun biting the words back when they almost popped out, I avoided saying it, because I knew those 3 tiny words would take place of all the real things we were already saying to each other - I'm happier when I'm with you, My life makes more sense with you in it, I want to touch you all the time, When you're sad I can't smile, When you smile I feel like I'll spill over. I'm glad we have Ginger. Even though, more often than not, we just say "I love you," we're reminded over and over again that words don't mean a whole lot. Spooning does. Current Mood: dancey | | Friday, June 20th, 2008 | | 8:39 pm |
Going Crazy
I haven't written in so long, and I like to write positive entries in here. But I'm having a hard time right now, and nothing is really working, so I figured I'd give this place a try. Couldn't hurt. I am so in love. So, so, so in love. Ugh, I can't even write this without feeling ridiculous, but I don't know how else to put it. I don't feel completed, it's not like that. Nothing has changed me in a huge way or "made me whole." I just suddenly feel perfect. Life before was beautiful. Life now is perfect. No matter what happens on a day to day basis, it all just feels completely right, like every moment is meant to happen the way it's happening. I love this, is a fabulous way to exist. But now, with all this incredible contentment, I have something I've never had before - fear. I am so scared. The idea of losing this, of losing Jesse, won't get out of my head. It's insane, and I don't know what to do with it. Everyone in my life up until this point has meant so much to me. Jesse's not the first person I've loved. But no one before him was such an enormous part of my life. He is my day to day, he is in all of my plans for the future, we share dreams and goals and that's what I love about us. We met, we talked, and we realized we were meant to live life together. So quickly, we started to. But now, I find myself here - living my life, for the first time, TOGETHER. Together means that it's not just me, that everything depends on someone else, too. It's hard to explain, but everything is framed through the lens of us, in a way. Things attain their reality, their value, when we share them with each other - even if it's just in conversation. And I like life this way. It makes sense to me on some deep level that I'd never reached before. But now that I know how perfect this can be, I am almost crippled by imagining what it would be like if it went away. I feel like I'm going nuts. I want to enjoy every single moment of this, but I can't because I'm too stressed out. Blagh. | | Thursday, March 27th, 2008 | | 2:20 pm |
| | 2:16 pm |
| | Saturday, March 1st, 2008 | | 8:23 pm |
Moonroof
This is a good angle for us. We look perpetually awestruck. | | 7:56 pm |
roadtrippin'
Overlooking things like this lately. Note to self: pay attention. It's nice outside your bubble, too. Dumb self. | | 7:51 pm |
For the first time in my life that I can remember, I don't feel the overwhelming need to write down every beautiful moment, to compulsively record every happy memory. Not sure why. Maybe I actually believe that the beautiful moments will continue, so that I don't have to horde them like a frantic fall squirrel. And then I think about it, and panic a little, because what if I'm wrong, and I forget because I didn't write it all down? | | Sunday, February 17th, 2008 | | 10:49 pm |
| | 10:48 pm |
Flickr
This is a test post from  , a fancy photo sharing thing. | | Thursday, February 7th, 2008 | | 6:23 am |
It's a little shocking to realize suddenly in an intake of breath that you have exactly what you've always wanted. **** In sleep their bodies always found new ways to entwine searching for unique combinations of feet and knees, elbows and pelvises. Now they sleep like nesting dolls every limb curved into the curve of another her hand rests like a sleeping sparrow tucked under his chin his knee burrows into the softness of her stomach. waking up it's hard to figure out which parts are their own, to make themselves separate people again. There's always something lost in the disentanglement. | | Friday, February 1st, 2008 | | 8:22 am |
Oh terrificness that is life. I'm in a bubble, and it's a beautiful bubble. I miss the people outside my bubble. I love my dogs and my jesse. I think it will be nice to have some time this summer to go visit everyone I'm so quickly losing touch with. Love. | | Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007 | | 12:08 pm |
magnetic poetry
Last night I stood by the fridge biting my lower lip for a half an hour while Jesse used approximately 3 dozen pans to make one meal. Magnetic poetry is wonderful, and so is Jesse's cooking. Both are messy and delicious. Two poems, in magnets LOVE TALK Manipulate, Elaborate, luscious, worship, scream... the language of love soars, frantic and heady. but I recall a drive together music to cook to a gift of rocks sweet easy life-size love ODE TO SPERM I moan drunk on smooth honey water sordid sweat your symphony of spray dream juice boy milk white smear of your power over me ~ash | | Friday, October 12th, 2007 | | 3:52 pm |
Come back please.
Haven't updated in more than 5 months. At this point in my life, according to "the plan," I should be in Bulgaria (or somewhere in the Peace Corps) learning another language and struggling through making a life there. At this point in my life, I find myself in coastal Maine, living in a perfect apartment with big windows with my boyfriend, my dog, and 11 house plants. I teach middle school behavior. I drive a saab. I am HAPPY. How did this happen? I'll ask that forever, but it's doubtful to me, at this point, that I will ever regret whatever loopy decisions got me here. My dog does what I tell her 85% of the time. My students do what I tell them 60% of the time (that's an improvement!!!) My boyfriend knows what I want before I say anything, sometimes before I know. I can smell the ocean every morning when i wake up. We don't want to hang curtains because the light is so beautiful. I spent this summer with people who spoke to every single part of me, and did a job that reminded me what makes me feel alive. The only downside i can find right now in this life that was not supposed to be this way: I miss my friends, the Woo Factor and my ladies back home. I've been busy to the point that i forget sometimes to pee. But I'm settling now, I'm moved in, I understand my job (as much as one CAN understand middle school special ed) and now I miss my friends. i feel bad, though, that it's been so long. I disappeared, I'm lame. I'm sorry. Come back please? | | Saturday, June 9th, 2007 | | 11:21 am |
Ninja Mom for the weekend (I have the hanbury boys from friday til sunday) and enjoying myself immensely. Maine on Monday. *grins* | | Monday, June 4th, 2007 | | 8:36 am |
weekeeeennnnndddd
super quick entry, since I have to sub in 20 minutes. Good weekend. Awesome weekend. Stellar weekend, even. ~Treacherous drive to Maine on far too many allergy pills in a broken car ~A beer or two with some rowdy rugby players, one in particular ~the soundest sleep EVER in jesse's new bed (ugly curtains, but good bed) ~visiting my school, and my old students! amazing. missed that place far too much. I'm pathetic. ~roadtrip with jess to portland to see Brie and eat veggie burgers! ~more fantastic sleep ~Renee time on the sunporch saturday morning! ~watching jesse get his face stepped on with Robyn and Renee ~camping! with sammy and karissa and renee and al and nate and jess. and some rocks under the tent. and a couple broken hammocks. and some mysterious eggs under a stone in the brook. you know, the usual. ~annie's and the closet and a beautiful almost-nap that didn't work out ~back to the cape to pass out all in all, a lovely time | | Wednesday, May 30th, 2007 | | 10:11 am |
unmotivated
I have major motivation issues when I have too much free time. My to-do list is rather ridiculous, but since I have nothing SCHEDULED, I can't seem to do anything except read and take benadryl and do lazy yoga on the livingroom floor. And I tell myself that's ok, because in all honesty, when is the next time I'll be able to have a day like that? But seriously, I don't even enjoy the laziness - I just can't shake it. But subbing tomorrow, then driving straight up to Maine and letting myself into Jesse's apartment (oh glory) and then a weekend of awesomeness - visiting my school, and camping, and spending far too much time lying on the floor of Jesse's sunporch, and seeing some of the important ones, and kissing. Lots of kissing. I really like kissing. Today I just suck at life. But I guess that's fine, since normally I'm pretty good at it. I miss kerrybrown and sammy and karissa and brie and renee and lizzypoo and erin though. A lot lot. |
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